2005.11.05 Sat - My First Love

We seem to be raising a generation of whining babies. I'll write more about that some other time, but for now I'm gonna whine like a baby:

I'm having more of these days as of late... the tough ones. Maybe I'm not having more of them, but they're harder to bear and get me down more easily than before. I'd fallen asleep at the wheel a couple of weeks ago, resulting in a bent suspension. It could have been worse I know. I have been more careful the last few years about driving while drowsy, but it took this one short trip in which I was careless and thought it wouldn't be long before I got home. I'm spread way too thin. It's not so much the lack of sleep as it is the nonstop pace of every waking hour, everyday of the week.

I'd hit the center divide on the highway and bounced off. When I got home I was scared to look at my car. Amazingly, the body (and the mirror) wasn't even scratched. The wheels had taken the full force of the impact, which was so hard, stuff in the passenger side door pocket ended up thrown into my lap. Lucky (by the Grace of God). Alas, some parts of the suspension needed replacing.

But I digress. This morning I took my car in to get the alignment checked again after getting the car fixed at another shop. They told me an hour. "OK, I'll wait." I had Harry Potter 6 with me anyhow. More than 3 hours went by before I finally got my car back, and it still wasn't fixed. "You need to replace such and such still before the rear can be aligned." *sigh* Saddened by the outlook of more money to have to spend, I rushed off 'cuz the extra 2 hours it took had made me late to a driving thing up in Alameda. I wore a hat today 'cuz my hair was a mess. Wearing a hat limits my visibility a bit, including the rearview mirror. I didn't see the cop behind me until his lights were flashing. 85 in a 65 zone. He was a new cop being trained too. Interesting. I think he wanted to let me off, but the other cop wanted him to practice writing a citation. *sigh*

Due to being late in the first place and getting pulled over for a speeding ticket, I didn't make my time slots for my runs. Wasted trip. Wasted gas. I drove the 45 miles back home with nothing to claim for it. On my way home I heard scraping from the right side (other side of the car from the suspension problems). "What now?" I pulled off and found that the plastic wheel well shell had come detached and was scraping against the tire. I burned my finger touching a metal screw that had heated up by rubbing against the tire at high speeds. I didn't care anymore 'cuz of the rough day and grabbed my pocket knife and just cut the excess plastic off. "Too bad." I was grumpy. I continued home and about 5 min.'s later, the ABS warning light turned on. "?!?" *sigh*

I got back to South Bay when a friend called me up for dinner. It was nice to hear from a friend. I got there pretty down and didn't care if it showed. It came up and I started to share, but they seemed distracted. They said something to the waiter during my retelling of the day so I stopped mid-sentence. I didn't restart. She didn't notice. Gee thanx.

That was the last straw. I didn't wanna be around anyone anymore. That's unusual. I don't ever mind being alone, but I've hardly ever desired to be alone. I'm posting this picture 'cuz it reminds me of friends I used to have (old pic of the EFC/Harvest Berkeley Class of '99). Since then, 5 are now married, one guy has passed away, and I hardly ever see any of the rest anymore either as most are not in the area anymore. I try not to dwell in the past, but I still find myself remembering that those college days together were nice. I realized after parting with my "friend" today that I don't have anyone anymore. Since moving down to the South Bay, there's no one I feel like I can just call up out of the blue, or just show up at their door like I used to do all the time with many friends. There isn't anyone within driving distance that I have that sort of friendship with anymore. Everyone I've invested in in the past is out of my life for one reason or another. For some, it's because I'm pretty bad at keeping in touch with people not within driving distance. With others, well, there are other reasons. This is a pattern I've realized about my life since my first memories of friends or of family members. I'm tired and don't really feel like investing again if this is what ends up happening.

The heading title is because I've found myself with only my First Love again. Alone. No one else is here. I don't find comfort in Him as much as I find hope and reason to persevere. My faith in that hope and reason is based on past experiences and His promises evidenced by such experiences.

The linked heading is because I kinda' wanna just leave for a place where I don't know anyone and can start life over in a sense, and because I miss Paris. Yeah, I know that's a pretty whiny thing to say and want. God's placed me where I am and when for good reason. I know why I'm here. I'm assured of that. I know who I'm here to serve. I just don't have anyone here that serves me anymore. There are those that try, but it feels more like pity, or like people who think they know me, but really don't help. Wow, what a drama-queen'ish thing to say.

P.S. - I hate pity. So please don't give any. It only gets me more down. I'm recording/posting for future reference and for the benefit of others that may ever feel the same. But, intelligent commentary (especially Biblical truths) is always appreciated. Peace.

2005.11.05 Sat - Does Windows come with this?

Check out my screen shot. That's a built in, OS level dictionary (and spell check). So you have it in any Mac OSX application. You just double click a word to select it, then either right click and choose "Look up in dictionary..." or hit Ctrl-Command-D. And it's so pretty. A nice popup window that looks like it's attached to the word you selected, with Oxford's Dictionary and Thesaurus. Click on "More..." and it opens the full dictionary/thesaurus app.

2005.11.02 Wed - Hungry and thirsty for something fresh

Anyone else in a church/fellowship feel like most music worship songs written these days are generally the same Christianese catch phrases and words recycled to different tunes? Sovereign Grace Ministries seems to have a start. No big surprise they aren't especially well known.

And anyone else tired of hearing the words "really", "truly", and "just"? (and no I'm not talking about in songs necessarily) arrrg...

2005.10.30 Sun - I wish...

...someone would buy 2 mp3's for me 'cuz iTunes doesn't have 'em for individual sale and other sites I find that sell mp3's sell some annoying format (wma or rax). These would be Melanie Thornton's "Wonderful Dream" (sounds like an old Coca-Cola commercial jingle) and John Townsend & Rosemary Butler's "It Ain't Over 'Till It's Over" (not lookin' for Lenny Kravitz version).

...you would remember to set your clock back an hour. DST is over. :(

P.S. - The photo is random. I just needed to make a new post. This was on the wall in the Ellis/O'Farrell parking structure in SF financial district near Union Square. ...thought it was hilarious so I snapped a pic.

2005.10.21 Fri - MIDI Singers

Hey a cappella arrangers, ever wish you could get your arrangements to sing the lyrics rather than some dinky "ooh" or "ahh" patch? Check it out. A MIDI program that actually sings your lyrics! Yes it still sounds like a computer voice, but the English lyrics are intelligible. Here's a sample.

The reason I came across this is 'cuz I'm looking for a simple and free (iTunes plug-in would be great, but don't think iTunes allows that) app to pitch bend/tempo stretch mp3's (and mp4's/AAC's if possible) for Mac OSX. Anybody know of one? I had a simple WinAmp plugin on my old PC. Thanx.

2005.10.20 Thu - The Importance of Clear Communication

Coming back from Stanfurd campus a few days ago (during daylight), I was driving up Stanford Ave. to Junipero Serra Blvd. when an oncoming Toyota Highlander turned its headlights on/off repeatedly. I reacted by slowing down to the 25 mph limit and saw a car catching up in my rear view that wasn't slowing down. Sure enough, a couple of cops were sitting around the next bend, radar gun in hand. I passed with no problem. The car behind me was signaled to pull over. So, I'd like to take some time to review some useful vehicle-light communication, some of which I learned here in the U.S., some while driving around Europe, but none-the-less, useful and sometimes necessary to make roads safer (one reason why American drivers are considered the most dangerous thing on European roads).

1) Daytime: low-beams turn no/off/on/off/etc.
= Po-po up ahead, better slow down

2) Nighttime: low-beams turn on/off/etc.
= your headlights aren't on. Turn 'em on. Otherwise cop up ahead, better slow down

3) Vehicle in right lane (and slightly behind) low beams on/off/etc.
= vehicle in left lane (and slightly ahead) is clear to merge into right lane

4) Vehicle that just merged into right lane on/off/etc. parking lights or hazard lights (both turn signals)
= Thank you to vehicle originally in right lane.

5) Hazard lights are suddenly turned on while vehicle is in motion
= hazard up ahead, emergency vehicle's coming through, and/or traffic is coming to a sudden slow-down, so heads up and turn on your hazards for the drivers behind you to notice too

6) On a two-lane road (one lane going in each direction), vehicle in front turns on right turn signal once
= it's clear on the other side of the road now if you want to pass me

7) Vehicle in left most lane approaching slower vehicle in same lane with left turn signal perpetually on
= You're in my way and I know it's generally dangerous to pass on the right, so get outta my way and change lanes to the right.

8) Nighttime: high-beams on/off/etc.
= your high-beams are on. Turn 'em off. Otherwise the general "screw you" signal.

Two last notes (that doesn't have to do with light signals), please don't hang around other drivers' blindspots. It's considered obvious in Europe, but hardly practiced in the U.S. And go easy on the road-rage, 'cuz all drivers make mistakes, no matter how good or bad. And even if they are a bad driver, that doesn't mean you have "the right" to get pissed at 'em. There are better reasons for road rage, so save 'em for then.

2005.10.19 Wed - Page Rank at its best

(From Xiaowei:)
1) Go to Google.
2) Type in "failure" without quotes.
3) Click on "I'm Feeling Lucky" (NOT the normal search button).

Note: If you know me, then you know that I'm not anti-Bush ("He's not my president" is an ignorant claim), but I thought this was pretty funny all the same.

2005.10.10 Monday - My Lil' Sis' is kewl

(Click on the photo to watch the video. It takes from my bandwidth allowance so please be nice. :D)

This was taken a couple of months ago in my sis' dorm room at MIT, or The Michigan Institute of Trucking (anybody remember those commercials?). :p Yes, she brought a zither from home to her school dorm, and yes, that's her playing, and yes, I know I tried to be artsy fartsy with the filming. So sue me.

What if...

Hey look, a "more successful" version of me that's kinda' near where I live/work right now. (Yes, I feel the Asian pressure and am somewhat bitter.)

2005.10.06 Thursday - I Heart iTunes

I went on an iTunes shopping spree yesterday: 10 songs. I love how I don't have to buy whole CD's just to legally get single songs I want off of them. $10.89 for many missed songs:

All Out of Love - Air Supply
Every Breath You Take - The Police (the stalker song that Puff Daddy covered since he doesn't seem to come up with much good stuff on his own)
Take My Breath Away - Berlin (think Topgun with Tom Cruise)
Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx (the first song I remember figuring out by ear on the piano when I was young)
Drive - The Cars
Let's Get It On - Marvin Gaye (Bwahaha...)
How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees (on Saturday Night Fever soundtrack - "Four dollars? You know what four dollars buys today? It don't even buy three dollars!")
Naughty Girl - Beyonce
Crazy In Love - Beyonce (ok so my tastes are varied)
In Da Club - 50 Cent (Like I said...)
Bye Bye Baby - TQ (talent hardly praised)

...and last week I got a bunch of "Ace of Bass" songs. It was shocking to hear people in Stanfurd Testimony say, "That was so 4th grade!" I remember it coming out in time for senior prom myself. Dude...

And to close, I love Bible humor: "But you have a few people in Sardis who have not soiled their garments; and they will walk with Me in white, for they are worthy." -=- Revelations 3:4

2005.09.28 Wednesday - A Disservice To The Gospel

Although a generalization, I'm learning that good people are a hindrance to the Gospel. A clearer way to say what I mean is something more like, "people who desire to be good people are a hindrance to the Gospel, regardless of whether or not they are Christian."

to be continued...

[Copied from Xanga:]

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. -=- 1 Corinthians 13:11, 12

I'm not sure why things must happen together ("when it rains, it pours"), but it's turning me into a bitter man (I pray that He would keep me from jadedness). You'd think that after enough validated hunches, people would start believing you. I feel like Jeremiah... once again. "So Lord, please keep me in my place, that is of a servant that honors others above myself and loves others as myself, making sure my words are spoken in love. Amen."

Why can't people care about more than just their own desires and their own innocence? If you care about being a good person, then you're a hindrance to the Gospel. God doesn't want good people. He doesn't want people who just have peace of mind that they're "a good person" or even "a relatively good person." He wants mature and obedient ones... Mature in the Word; Obedient to the Word (obviously hard to be either unless you have Knowledge of the Word)... and not some bunch of whiners that just wanna get to heaven and while on the way there, wanna be praised by others. Anyone can surround themselves with people who approve of their decisions/desires (in politically correct Christianese this is falsely labeled as "encouragement").

The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray. -=- Proverbs 12:26

Many would rather hide the flaws and blemishes from sight by keeping naysayers at a distance (in p.c. Christianese these are falsely labeled as "discouraging").

It is better to listen to the rebuke of a wise man
Than for one to listen to the song of fools. -=- Ecclesiastes 7:5

No wonder the world often assumes Christians as silly hypocrites. You don't need Christ to be "a good person", which is probably why so many don't feel the need for Christ (seems obvious, doesn't it?). We all probably know plenty of non-Christians that are much "better people" than most Christians we know (or all for that matter). For the most part, we (who label ourselves as church goers) stand for nothing except an inner circle of morality-snobs who think we know better than everyone outside (sound familiar? hint: elite group of the religiously respected). And when someone thinks they're in "The Right", they can then do some crazy things as a result of such foolish confidence. (Hopefully obvious, but this applies to non-Christians too. Humans were created to worship something. Everyone believes in something. Atheism is a religion and world-view too. Some religions have 1 god, some have many, and Atheism is just a religion with no claimed deity god, e.g. - will instead substitute with worship of self, money, fame, power, wisdom, etc.)

PuhlEEz do the Kingdom a favor and start over, from the basics, rebuilding from the ground up, etc. Humility is a good thing. It's no wonder the Word warns against a lack of such. His Grace is the only thing sufficient. Our own worth will never be. Let's grow up and at least start with preaching the correct Gospel (Galatians 1), and worry about living it out 'till after we've got the foundations/beginnings of understanding down.

As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. -=- Ephesians 4:14-16

"I've got to find her... She's just what I need... Her name is Wisdom, and she's calling me." - Kepano Green